I was having coffee with a friend yesterday and I was reminded of this story of my friend Dan who passed away on Thanksgiving Day 1999. He was 35 years old.
Dan ended up in Arizona when he came from his hometown in Alaska to attend ASU. Dan came from a religious Baptist family and was thrilled to put some distance between himself and his parents so he could spread his wings. He enjoyed his freedom so much he stayed in Arizona after graduation.
Dan was a musician – a talented singer and songwriter and though his career took him into customer service and training, his passion for music had him continue to participate with the Men’s Choir and other musical groups. He sang, directed, wrote some music and arrangements and continue to explore his passion.
Dan lived his life as a openly gay man to pretty much everyone but his parents. He was afraid his parents would reject him if they knew, given their devout beliefs so Dan kept his sexuality from them. Since most of Dan’s musical hobbies revolved around gay men’s singing groups he kept that part of his life from his parents as well.
I remember a visit from his parents one year and Dan had a party for a few select friends. We had specific instructions about what was an acceptable topic of conversation around his parents and we were all put on notice that veering from said topics would results in severe punishment. There was no alcohol at the party, despite Dan being a fan of mixed drinks, in deference to his parents beliefs. To them, he put forth the image of a devout and faithful son. To the rest of us he was wild and crazy Dan – a drinker, a performer, an openly gay man and a party-boy to rival party boys. Dan lived two lives and since his parents were hundreds of miles away, it wasn’t hard for him.
Sometime in late 1997 Dan got sick and was diagnosed with intestinal cancer and HIV. When he was first hospitalized his parents came right to visit to be with him in the hospital. Dan was well loved and had lots of visitors. Don and Don came. Kevin and Kevin came. Yes, we had gay couple friends with the same name. I went with my partner Andy. There was a parade of same sex couples visiting Dan. His parents questioned if Dan had anything to share with them and he came out as gay to his parents. To their credit, their love for their son overrode whatever their religion told them about homosexuality. They accepted his honesty and quickly worked to understand his life, his friends and his passions.
Despite a noble effort, Dan passed from his illness. One day I was sitting with his mother at the hospital and she confided in me that through all of this the thing that most affected her was Dan hiding his life from her. She loved Dan’s singing and his passion for music and though he stayed engaged with his passion since college, he never shared any of it with this parents since they all revolved around gay groups like the Gay Men’s Choir. She said she had been living for years incredibly sad and disappointed that Dan wasn’t singing and wasn’t doing anything with his talent and passion. She asked him about it often and he lied and deflected to protect his secret.
Life is hard enough as it is. To have to live two lives, and keep them separate and mute yourself, takes so much energy. It’s soul crushing. Dan had a great life. He was passionate, loved and was loved. And he kept it all locked away from the people who loved him the most. And though they came to learn the truth they missed years of love, joy, passion and connection which caused them additional heartbreak on top of the heartbreak of losing a child at 35 years old.
Dan parents donated to his musical organizations after his death. They had the choir sing at his memorial service and honored Dan and his life — and his life’s choices — but the cost was steep.
I never forget about Dan and when I hear people keeping their secrets in little compartments it hurts me. It hurts me for Dan’s mother and other mothers and fathers who are kept from their children’s lives – and in some cases vice versa, brothers and sisters, or other relationships that are limited by arbitrary walls out of fear or worry. There’s a cost for suppressing authenticity which can never be worse than the cost of the truth.
This is a great life lesson, but how does it relate to business? As a business coach, I run into many professionals whose business persona is polished, honed and scripted. There is not authenticity in their business. Given the amount of time we spend at work, why not have your business be an authentic expression of who you are? Why hide yourself?